WTF was I thinking?

When will I ever learn to let go of the past? Damn, I'm getting on my own nerves. I hate when people nurse a grudge or a past hurt and seemingly refuse to move on with their lives. And yet, after all these years, I find myself occasionally lulled back into introspection regarding happier times.

I am a hopeless romantic.

And I fucking hate being single on Valentine's Day.

But that's another blog entirely. Yep, it's best not to stir that vile cauldron of angst until the actual "holiday" arrives. With all the pent-up frustration I have seething just below my feigned surface of peace, I could vent for days on the topic of romance and the disillusionment associated therewith.

Back to my rant. I could kick myself for heeding the siren's song of retrospection. Maybe I subconsciously revisit my arsenal of memories to serve as a reminder of why I don't bother getting back in the game. Every time I think it's safe to venture back into the water, I conjure up memories of past sharks who left me emotionally lifeless and bloodied on the shore. Just when I think that it's high time I moved on, I get flashbacks of the carnage from previous "happy times" that ended up being anything but.

Yes, I still have a wee grudge. And I wish I could ditch the damn thing. Oh, I really, really, really do. The past still hangs like a millstone around my neck, preventing me from being free enough - or brave enough - to make another attempt. It's not like the last relationship was ideal, no - far from it. It sucked the life outta me, for sure. But damn, there are times when I would willingly accept it all over again instead of having to spend every waking day alone.

I guess some people just need something to bitch about. OK, I could keep venting, but I have entirely too much studying left to do and very little time left to do it. The whole point of this blog was to purge the dissatisfaction from my mind. It hasn't worked. What it has done is suck up about an hour of the time I should have spent half-assing my way through a piece of British literature that cannot hold my attention this evening. Seriously. How do normal college students get their assignments done and party 24/7? Damn, I am getting old. Maybe that's what is really upsetting me. Nah...first step is admitting the problem. Aging is no problem, right? So I don't need the 12 steps. I'll just stay in grey-haired denial. Yeah...that always works. ;)