(originally published on MySpace)
"Reality is the name we give to our disappointments." ~ Mason Cooley
If you have known me for any length of time, you have heard me utter a favorite phrase: "everything is a matter of perspective." It's a soft-pedal spin on the ever-trite "life is what you make of it" or similar feel-good pablum designed to cheer up an otherwise sour soul. Sometimes I am said person, so I force myself to adjust my persepective - and usually, if I am adequately caffeinated, it works. I can usually see the flip side of the coin. To that end, I have decided in this New Year to apply that philosophy in personal matters. I shall look for the silver lining in all things undesirable. Case in point: my so-called life. More specifically, my so-called (that's code for "non-existent") love life. Instead of bemoaning my eternally single state, I will attempt (yep, that's the key word right there, folks - attempt) to find positive aspects of singlehood.
My married friends have been known to say (much to my increasing chagrin) "oh, being single isn't so bad" before they launch into a diatribe about their spouse's irritating habits. Yeah, well...to you I say, "bugger off - at least y'all are getting laid regularly." But then I realize, "no, wait - you're married, so you're probably not getting laid all that often." Forget I said anything. Still, it's a matter of perspective. The grass is always greener...
So, for your edification, (technically, I'm only blogging this publicly so you'll have a clue what goes on in the oh-so-vacuous space that is a single female's mind when she's out doing whatever single chicks do while you married people are doing...well, whatever it is you do...) here are my reasons.
Gratitude for Solitude
(or, extolling the often overlooked merits* of singleness)
*Notice I didn't use the word "joys" here? There's a reason for that! Look, people, I'm attempting to find the good in this situation – which means I'm optimistic (or delusional, depending on your perspective) – it does not mean I'm crazy and suddenly feel that being perpetually single is a joyous, technicolored, Disney-esque song 'n dance sort of happy experience. OK, where was I???
Reason #10: OLD, GRUNGY, PAINT-STAINED SWEATSHIRTS
On weekends, I can lounge around all day wearing that old grungy sweatshirt I wore in college when I helped paint a friend's apartment. I would never wear this in public, but hey – that's not an issue since it's Saturday night and I'm not out on the town, all dressed up on a date at that chic new bistro on the
Reason #9: GROCERY SHOPPING IS A BREEZE
Actually, grocery shopping is a delight on a Saturday night. The aisles are relatively empty. The process goes faster. Oh, and it's cheaper, too! Since I'm shopping for one, I can buy only the stuff I like. I can buy my favorite brand of toothpaste (Tom's of
Reason #8: DINNER DECISIONS, NOT DINNER DEBATES
"What do you want for dinner?" is one of those unspoken relationship landmines for couples. More couples have gotten into heated arguments because neither one could decide what they wanted for dinner. If I'm craving Thai curry takeout and you want pizza, guess what I'm having for dinner? If you said Thai, you're a winner! But this is a moot point, because, Mr. Right, you don't exist. Well, technically, you do exist – but you're probably at the pizza joint, in which case our paths have zero chance of crossing. Especially if it's dinner time and I'm craving Thai. But wait – Murphy's Law being what it is, I'll be at the pizza place when you're getting your takeout at the Thai place...but hey, we didn't argue about it, now, did we? This is a good thing!
Reason #7a: ULTIMATE CONTROL OF THE REMOTE CONTROL
Once I've decided what I want for dinner, I usually like to watch a movie. This, of course, is part and parcel of being single – plenty of time to watch movies. The perk is that I can fill my Blockbuster queue with only the movies I want to see. If I'm jonesin' for an indie flick starring unknown actors – or, better yet, an obscure foreign film – I don't have to hear, "I'm not in the mood for that." Why? Because, Mr. Right, you aren't sitting on my sofa, bogarting the popcorn, asking me to translate the French when I turn off the subtitles. You might be watching a movie, but you're somewhere else, either in a theater's seat or on somebody else's sofa, so yet again, it's a no-brainer non-issue. This means more popcorn for me. This, too, is a good thing!
Reason #7b: NPR & PBS, NOT ESPN & FOX
But...if I want utter silence, I can have that, too. If I want to chill out in the evening with All Things Considered and The News Hour or eat breakfast while listening to Morning Edition, I can. My leisure time is spent with my favorite public radio programming, not SportsCenter or Billo's filthy Fox News bile. I live in a sports-free, news-heavy personal zone, and this, Mr. Right, makes me happy. I can tolerate your sports-viewing habits, but since you don't exist, what's the point? Or the point spread? See? It doesn't matter!
Reason #6: SIXTY-TWO PAIRS OF BLACK SHOES
OK, maybe I only have 57 pairs of black shoes. I've lost count. But the point is: all the extra money I saved by buying only my brand of toothpaste can be spent on more stuff for me. Sorry, Mr. Right, I'd love to buy you a closet full of whatever items tickle your fancy, but since you live somewhere else, it really doesn't make much sense for me to buy stuff for you. So instead I'll just buy another pair of shoes for me. Or maybe an outfit to go with 'em (or not...after all, that grungy college sweatshirt wouldn't look right with a new pair of black espadrilles. I'll just splurge instead on another bag of fair-trade coffee.)
Reason #5: CHEAPER HOLIDAYS & SPECIAL OCCASIONS
This is partly a continuation of #6. Think how much money I'm saving by not buying you cards and gifts on Valentine's Day, your birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, etc. Now don't get me wrong – I would love to surprise you with unexpected gifts (like that guitar you've been dreaming about or front-row tickets to a show or perhaps that new software program you're too frugal to buy for yourself) but you know what? There is no "you", Mr. Right, so "you" don't get gifts. Pity, because I can be rather generous. Just ask my friends. Oh wait, you can't. You haven't met them. Nevermind...
Reason #4: MY GERMS ARE NOT YOUR GERMS
When I've got the flu, I don't have a side dish of guilt for giving it to you. That's because – you guessed it! – you're not here, Mr. Right. You're probably out buying NyQuil and Kleenex and Theraflu for your girlfriend or wife whoever it is you're with because we haven't met yet and/or you're not on the market. Either way, you're there, getting exposed to her germs, not mine. So while I might still feel all sniffly and snotty because nobody has run down to CVS to refill my empty bottle of Zicam, at least I feel considerably less guilty. If you get the flu, it won't be from me. File this under: Good Thing By Proxy.
Reason #3: HOT WATER STAYS HOTTER LONGER
Oh, how I love a long, hot, steamy shower. I love those almost as much as I love taking long, hot, soaking baths. Both of these require massive amounts of hot water. This would be a problem if I had to share water. But since there is no "you" in the bathroom every morning, Mr. Right, I can stay in that shower until the hot water runs out. And – bonus points! – I don't have to shave my legs, either, because there's no "you" in the bed every night, spooning next to me and complaining if my legs aren't silky smooth. Saving even more money on razor refills & shave gel, while avoiding gashed skin around the "ouch" areas of ankles and knees? More savings + fewer scars = definite good thing!
Reason #2: EVEN THE NIGHTS ARE BETTER
Well, snoring is a major point of contention with many couples. How many couples wake up in different rooms because their partner (it's always the other person who snores) kept them awake all night with their incessant, earth-shaking, lumberjack-on-crack snoring? Well, Mr. Right, you might have a deviated septum or a major case of sleep apnea, but your snoring won't keep me awake because you snore on your own pillow, not mine. Or maybe you don't have a snoring problem. Either way, I'll sleep peacefully because I can stretch out, toss and turn, hog the covers, sleep with an oscillating fan for white noise, and mist the sheets with that lavender-chamomile linen spray – simply because, Mr. Right, you're not here to object. And this promotes deep, uninterrupted sleep for me. And this is most definitely a good thing. The only thing worse than a decaffeinated Me is a sleep-deprived Me.
Reason #1: *crickets*
Peace and quiet. Nothing stirring but the dust bunnies. Sleeping until noon on weekends if it suits me. Curling up with a stack of books and magazines. Pressing a pen to a blank page. Hitting the trails for a 4-hour bike ride. Making music. Shoe shopping. These are some activities I enjoy in my personal time. Down time is bliss; solitude is serene. Although I would gladly share my copious amounts of free time with you, Mr. Right, you haven't materialized into anything more substantive than a figment of my imagination. So, until you appear, I'll just keep lounging around on the weekends, wearing that same grungy college sweatshirt, eating Thai takeout, watching movies and wondering what's taking you so long to show up and interrupt my routine.
No comments:
Post a Comment